Night fears (a haibun)

(From Pexel)

My tired eyes refuse sleep with reluctance, like an alcoholic refuses that last drink. Fear keeps my eyelids pinned open. Somewhere, drifting between extreme sleepiness and the need to be awake, I doze off. Only to wake up with a jerk. Groggy and disoriented, I walk up to his room. His CGM* reads 53. In panic I search hurriedly for the glucometer and the testing kit, fear making me butter-fingered. The commotion makes him stir. He looks up, gives me a lopsided smile and goes back to sleep. With trembling hands I take another reading…it reads 78. I sink to the floor shaking with relief.
It is 3.00 am and sleep has bid me goodbye. I sit in the balcony waiting for dawn. Most nights are uneventful, some cause this drama. But fear has become a part of the night routine. The threat of hypoglycemia can do that.

Moon my namesake** smiles
as I give her company
I hide my heartache

Written for dVerse. Today’s host Frank says: Let’s feel the spooky sensation of this coming Halloween/Samhain! Let’s celebrate that emotion of dread. Let’s write our haibun that states or references fear.

*CGM: contant glucose monitor. Used to monitor glucose levels of diabetics, especially type 1. ( My fourteen year old son is Type 1 diabetic.)

**namesake: Punam in hindi language means the full moon.

79 thoughts on “Night fears (a haibun)

  1. So well expressed. It must be really hard. Type 1 diabetes is a thief, robbing children of regular childish aspirations as they always need to be cautious. Worst of all, robbing them of sleep and peace. I hope things get better for you and your son. I found this poem very relatable, as I’ve had to wake up with a start many times at night when my grandmother’s sugar levels plummet for no apparent reason or sky rocket to 300s and 400s! It does get that bad when not taken good care of, right from the start. Lows are particularly the worst.
    Night is a fearful time indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Share your pain and I hope in doing so, it becomes a little less.
    ‘This too shall pass’
    The fear, the unease, the sleeplessness, the anxiety – I have no doubt that time teaches us how to manage our burdens.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s what I am trying to do. I don’t think it will ever pass but living with this may make me panic less.
      Time is a great teacher but to teach any young child such a horrible lesson reflects poorly on the maker.

      Like

  3. The pain, fear and helplessness of the long night comes alive through your words Punam. As a Mom, I can feel your anguish. The night seems never ending as we are drowned in the wave of fear and panic. Take care my friend. Sending love and best wishes ❤ !

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Punam, this reminded me of when I stayed up all night because my son had a fever of over 40 degrees. I’d given him medicine, and after that all I could do was watch and wait. Such fears are very real when our loved ones are unwell!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This was a great haibun!It must have been really fearful when at 3 in the morning,you suddenly got the feeling that he had hypoglycaemia… there was a time when I had a fever and didn’t know it,when I took a thermometer reading,it said 105.6!! I nearly sank in fear,but the next read came to 103.9….plus,I didn’t feel any symptoms so I left it and closely monitored it for a couple of weeks,and as expected,it died down 😀

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ohh…that’s scary ☹ yeah fever does come down eventually,but even it gets scary sometimes because many a time,people dismiss it as a normal fever,but the patient may turn out to be suffering from a disease like malaria or hepatitis,and when found out,it would have been too late..😞

        Liked by 1 person

  6. How frightening Punam. My husband is diabetic too, but nothing like you are experiencing, though we have had a few scares. But for it to be a child at sleep. Scary indeed. I love thenmeaning of your name.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know. My husband is insulin dependent too and they can’t stabikise him. But for a child to be like that is awful. Terrifying I would think.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I so understand that fear. I been riding the glucose roller coaster for over 25 years. I now have a blood monitor that permanently plugs into my arm, to be replaced every 14 days. It helped flatten the crazy curve because checking is easier. — but one can still get surprised. It is a lifelong job, everyday, more than once, with frequent daily stabs in the belly. Either that, or you die. It is an every day, all day, dance with the specter of death. I know the steps well! But a mother’s cross — my deepest sympathy. Blessings Punam… ✌🏼❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much, Rob. Your words give me courage. Blood glucose monitor is surely a blessing. But the jabs have to be taken daily and sometimes the lows or highs are beyond one’s control. To see your child suffer…every parent’s nightmare.
      Thanks for sharing. ❤️🙏🏼

      Like

  8. The fear is real – motherhood connects us like no other to our children and to all the other mothers. In church Sunday I noticed all the mothers (we’ve had a baby explosion) were swaying, those with babies and all those without, just because one started to cry. We all feel the grip of fear when one mother describes her own!! This poem was raw and real – and I am fighting down the feeling of fear.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I did not know that about your name, Punam. It is beautiful and well chosen by your mother as the moon shall be your friend.
    Take care, my friend, and try to nap. It is difficult for the care giver, more so than for the one needing the care. Will your son wake for the alarm and test himself? I can only offer commisserations and sympathy. The nights are the worst.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Moon is surely my friend, Tracy.
      I do nap and hubby and I try to do alternate nights but still both of us get up every night.
      My son can test himself but getting up for alarm is impossible for him. Day time I feel I can tackle anything, nights make me feel helpless. Thanks so much. You know you are my pillar of support from afar. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A pillar is a pillar, Tracy. You don’t know of how much help you have been to me. Yes, the whole family’s support is needed. I could certainly do with some empathy.

        Like

  10. Oh my. Fear and panic … a plummeting BG is thy name. My son is a Type II and until we got him stabilized, we flirted with the 50 range. Glucose tabs his savior a few times. Beautifully shared.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Punam,

    Now I know why you’re up so late and so often, this haibun makes it crystal clear. So sorry your son has to go through this, Punam, and the heartache you feel. God bless you both and keep you.
    pax,
    dora

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, dear. I know that pit at the bottom of your stomach feeling that robs you of breath when you worry for children. I will surely pray.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Punam, your son has a competent and caring mother to look after him. In time, he can take responsibility for monitoring and treating himself and become a fully functioning adult. Life is very challenging right now, but hopefully, things will stabilize over time. I wish your son and your family all the best. ❤

    You have a lovely name!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh, Punam, this is such beautiful prose and poetry. You are so talented. This poem moved me and touched my heart deeply. Thinking about, and sending love to you all. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have lived many of these moments, and I felt every word of this.
    My daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in 2001, 2 months before her 9th birthday. We fought for a year to get her on an insulin pump, because, at the time, she was felt to be too young. It made quite a difference, but there were many ups and downs. I worked a late afternoon shift, so every night at 1am I would look in on her. After a few years we tried out a CGM, but it wasn’t 100% reliable.
    She was off the pump for a couple of years in her mid-teens. She was a cheerleader, and constantly taking it off & on became a hassle. She always kept in shape, but those were some rocky years, glucose-wise. We were so glad when she went back to the pump. Several years back, she switched to the Omnipod, and she’s had a CGM for a few years, now. It allowed her to get her A1c down to 6. She’s now 29 and a high school counselor. Her lovely daughter will have her first birthday next month.
    This will take you to my collection of poems about her diabetes —
    https://rivrvlogr.com/tag/diabetes/
    This one is specifically about those many nights of checking on her —
    https://rivrvlogr.com/2019/02/01/mid-night-reading/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ken, I truly appreciate your sharing this with me. It is very heartening to know your daughter is doing well. Believe me it gives me so much courage and hope that you handled it so very well for 20 years. My son was diagnosed 8 months back and it has been such a rollercoaster ride. For the first couple of months we were totally lost. It is a very long road ahead but your words fill me with optimism. I will surely check out the links. Thanks so much once again.

      Liked by 1 person

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